100 Reasons The Royals Stink

By Staff     Sep 29, 2004

What was rumored for months is now official. The Kansas City Royals are really, really bad at baseball. Last night, the Blue Man Group lost its 100th game of the season. In reality, it was fitting how the whole thing went down with disappointing lefty Darrell May on the mound, serving up gopher balls to Cleveland en route to his 19th loss of the season. The 2004 Royals were so disgusting; I’m making a pledge right now, in late September, while several teams are preparing for the postseason. I promise never to spend another dollar inside of Kauffman Stadium as long as Allard Baird remains the general manager. Here are 100 reasons why, one for every embarrassment in a very long summer. 1. Juan Gonzalez. Is he still “injured?” 2. Mike Sweeney’s back, groin, wrist, etc. You won’t meet a nicer guy in the world but he simply could not stay off of the disabled list. 3. Carlos Beltran. Send us a postcard from the pennant chase. 4. Perpetual rebuilding. How many more youth movements do we have to endure? 5. Parking. The Royals still have the audacity to charge me $8 just to park my Pinto. 6. Bistate II. Wait we sat through that season and now you want us to renovate the ballpark? 7. Angel Berroa. He signed a multi-million dollar extension in the off-season. Halfway through the summer, he was back in AA Wichita. 8. The Revolving Catchers. The Royals have had as many catchers in the last two seasons 178, by my count as the Expos have fans. 9. Slogans. Tony Pena can’t manage but he sure can sell t-shirts, including ones that have such witty thoughts as: 10. “Believe” 11. “Nosostros Creemos” 12. and “Together We Can” 13. Curtis Leskanic. Another high paid pitcher, another flameout. At least he’s off the team, which is more than we can say about: 14. Brian Anderson. This guy will go down as the worst opening day starter in team history. He’ll have a spot in history alongside: 15. Mike MacDougal, who will go down as the worst All-Star in team history. 16. “Lemonade!, lemonade!, lemonade!” Seriously that guy is annoying. 17. The Dance Off. 18. The hot tub in left-center field. Have you seen the people who have been in there? And you want me to rent it out? 19. GA seating. It was there a few years ago but the Royals took it away and raised prices. 20. Pena. The guy is fiercely loyal to his players. Which is a problem if you’ve seen his players. 21. The St. Louis Cardinals, for reminding us of how a team in Missouri should be run. 22. The stadium advertisements, the most annoying of which are: 23. The Dodge Truck in left-center (next to the greasy hot tub). 24. and the Price Chopper fan of the game. 25. Carlos Pena, who had six hits and five runs batted in during the Tigers’ 17-7 win over the Royals on May 27. 26. Beer prices. In a league-wide survey, the Royals said they had the lowest beer prices in the league. It turns out that they lied. 27. Ken Harvey. The softest player in baseball. 28. Cutoff throws. Harvey was hit in the back of the head by one over the Fourth of July weekend. 29. Powder Blue T-Shirt Night. These are a reminder of the last time the Royals actually made the playoffs. 30. Old Enough to Drink. That’s how old you would have to be to remember the last time the Royals made the playoffs (1985). 31. Ruben Gotay. Career minor league player who hits fifth on a regular basis. 32. “Choose A Song To Play Between Innings,” and then the three options are the three worst songs ever made. 33. The Fences. A few years ago, the Royals moved them in towards home plate. This year, they moved them back out. In hindsight, they probably took one look at the pitching staff and made a brilliant move. 34. John Cumberland. I could coach better. 35. Still there? 36. Matt Stairs, who plays defense like most people watch airplanes take off. 37. Benito Santiago. A great pickup if it was 1993. 38. May. Need a loss? Call “Mayday” May. 39. Hot starts. The Royals duped us last year by starting off hot. 40. This season, there was no such problem, as Kansas City was seven games under .500 by the end of April. 41. The White Sox. There are only so many times that I can watch the Royals lose to the Men in Black. 42. The Bullpen. Which one of these guys would you like on your team? 43. Shawn Camp? 44. Jaime Cerda? 45. Dennys Reyes? 46. Jimmy Serrano? 47. That’s what I thought. 48. Calvin Pickering. The Royals waited until August to bring up the only true home run threat in their minor league system. You don’t think he could have helped in May? 49. Desi Relaford. A guy without a position, and come next week a job. 50. Dee Brown. How many chances can one guy get? 51. Blurred vision. That’s what kept Aaron Guiel on the shelf for most of the season, snuffing out a sparkplug in the KC lineup. 52. The draft. Let me be honest there’s nothing to look forward to in the future. Unless you want to see 53. Colt Griffin fire fastballs to the backstop. 54. Club Box Seats. At $25, they are the most expensive seats in Kauffman Stadium, and one of the biggest rip offs in town. 55. 5.16. The team ERA thus far in 2004. 56. .259. The team batting average thus far in 2004. 57. Common sense. When you can’t pitch and can’t hit, that makes for a tough year. 58. Opening Day. Thanks to a come from behind win over Chicago, we actually had hope for one day. Which brings us to 59. Mendy Lopez. The hero of opening day was the goat for the next two months. 60. Black uniforms. Again, a good move for 1993. The blue was classic. Why change? 61. Bret Saberhagen. At 40 years of age, he would still be the Royals’ best player. 62. Loyal fans. I read a story the other day about fans who have had season tickets since the Royals came to town in 1969. Poor saps. 63. Matt Stairs, a 36-year-old utility player at the end of his rope whom the Royals just re-signed for 2005. Yippee. 64. “Premium Games.” Next season, the Royals will designate certain matchups such as St. Louis as “premium games” and charge more for admission. Again why do we give these people our money? 65. Wal-Mart. The company built on low prices brings the same philosophy to Glass’ Royals. 66. Undivided attention. Thanks to several factors, the Royals have our entire sporting attention over the summer. You think they would do better. 67. Major League Baseball. Bud Selig and the powers that be are using franchises like the Royals to prove to the players that a salary cap is necessary. 68. The Disabled List. At last check, 11 Royals were currently on the DL, including Gonzalez, who is sipping margaritas on a beach in Puerto Rico. 69. RSTN. Seriously, I would love to give people a reason to flip over to Channel 6 for the Royals games. Unfortunately, it’s just been a nuisance this summer. 70. Speaking of the television contract, did you know that you can’t see any Royals’ games on Saturday afternoon? That’s because of Major League Baseball’s contract with FOX. 71. Trading deadline. The only newsworthy event of the Royals’ summer. 72. Interleague play. Once again, thanks to Major League Baseball, there are six guaranteed losses every year against the Cardinals. 73. The Yankees. For reminding all of us that the Royals’ chances of ever making the playoffs again are very, very slim unless they spend some money. 74. The Twins. For proving how a small-market team should be run. 75. 33 1/2. That’s how far out of first place they are. 76. 43. That’s how many games under .500 they are. 77. Two 100-loss seasons in the last three years. 78. 2003. The Royals had a chance, but decided against trading for some real pitching help. 79. 256. Tony Pena’s total losses as the Royals’ manager. 80. Zach Greinke, who will be traded to a contender before the Royals have to pay him. 81. Because on their team store website, the Royals want us to buy [this.][1] 82. Annoying radio ads. Enough said. 83. If you’re still reading this, congratulations. 84. The term “Boys in Blue,” because as we already decided they now wear black. 85. For the year 1985, which will never happen again under the Glass-Baird tandem of pain. 86. Stupid news read-ins. There are only so many times that I can make the upcoming Royals highlights sound interesting on the news. 87. The bathrooms at Kauffman Stadium. I won’t go into detail but the last time I needed to pee at the ballpark, I came back and had to go see a “special” doctor. 88. Squishies, the frozen-lemonade concoction that will never be as good as a [Slurpee][2] 89. While we’re on the subject of concession lines, this one goes out to the pizza line. That’s where I spent 30 minutes during a recent visit to the K. 90. Slugerrr. Just for having too many letters in his name. 91. The fact that they are already at 100 losses and the season isn’t over yet. 92. The Cadillac Escalade, which is what most of the Royals drive, despite their obvious lack of ability. 93. Arkansas, the home of Glass, who is seemingly never in Kansas City. 94. The Royals inspire so much rage that they made me write the longest blog ever. 95. Buck Showalter, who was passed over for Pena, and is now leading one of the American League’s most exciting teams in Texas. 96. The wife-beater, still the fashion choice for many Royals fans. 97. The fact that I have driven several hours on multiple occasions to watch this team this season. 98. The Royals are still selling Beltran jerseys at regular price inside of Kauffman Stadium. 99. 26 runs scored in game one of the doubleheader, zero in game two. 100. Allard Baird.**Week Five Predictions (Last Week: 2-3, Season: 10-8) Nebraska 24, Kansas 14** The streak lives to see another year. **Ravens 27, Chiefs 10** Are you ready for some Monday Night Football? The Chiefs won’t be. **Lawrence High 17, SM South 14** Lions pick up their second straight win on the Game of the Week. **Olathe South 30, Free State 24** Bob Lisher’s team makes more improvements that won’t show up on the scoreboard. **Upset Special: Oregon 34, Arizona State 28:** This one goes out to Sun Devil alum Holly Naylor. **Upset Special Part 2 (Added On Thurdsay Afternoon Since Kevin Is A Whiner):** New Mexico 28, Utah 13. There. Does that count?**Big Tex’s Predictions: (Romary Last Week: 2-3, Season: 8-10)** **Nebraska 31, Kansas 14** I was negative 5 the last time KU beat NU. Today, I’m old. **Ravens 27, Chiefs 17** Jamal Lewis will set a new NFL single game rushing record. He’ll run for 1,142 yards. And sit out the last drive. **Lawrence High 24, SM South 10** Crazy legs Colter is no longer sick. That’s enough to make opposing coaches sick. **Free State 21, Olathe South 14**These two played the best High School game I’ve ever seen back in 99. The Firebirds won that one 56 to 45. The ghost of Jake Lawrence still haunts the Falcons. **Upset Special: Iowa St. 27, Oklahoma St. 24** I’ve been close in the past, but this week I break through!! O-State may be 3-0:but Donavan Woods has completed only 11 passes. That’s it!!!! That’s one drive for Sonny Cumbie! [1]: http://mlb.imageg.net/graphics/product_images/p1130464dt.jpg [2]: http://www.slurpee.com/

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