Chicago ? Things that have happened since George Mason reached the Final Four over the weekend:
Dick Cheney and Joan Baez sang together at an antiwar rally.
Dick Vitale entered a monastery, took a vow of silence and through sign language indicated that the porridge there was awesome, baby. Brother T.O. signed back that he agreed, dawg.
Jerry Reinsdorf tore up Ozzie Guillen’s White Sox contract and gave him more money “just because.”
Although not quite admitting a mistake, Billy Packer hinted he had been involved in a car accident that might have damaged his reasoning skills.
Barry Bonds finally admitted he used steroids but wanted it made clear they were not the kind used to improve the muscle quality of cattle, as had been reported. They were the kind that improved the muscle quality of the Tyrannosaurus rex, he said.
Thanks to cutting-edge research by BALCO, pigs flew.
Rick Pitino took to wearing flannel shirts and earth shoes.
The Bears announced Brian Griese was their starting quarterback.
Johnny Damon talked George Steinbrenner into growing a Fu Manchu.
Steinbrenner said that, for some reason, his new mustache made him want to become more fiscally responsible, so he drastically cut the Yankees’ payroll.
The Cubs won the World Series.
They did it thanks to complete-game victories by Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.
Dusty Baker suspended Sammy Sosa indefinitely.
Donald Trump said he was retiring from whatever it is he does “to spend more time with the family.”
Michael Jordan started wearing George Mason shorts underneath his business suits.
Bobby Knight said love is the answer, regardless of the question.
Rick Majerus went vegan.
Ben Johnson announced he would make his comeback at the 2016 Summer Games in Chicago. He dared everyone to catch him.
The United States decided to take up baseball.
Britney Spears admitted she has no talent and promised to go away.
Larry Brown expressed interest in the George Mason job. Wait a second . . . that really could have happened.
Bears coach Lovie Smith admitted Muhsin Muhammad can’t play a lick anymore.
Each George Mason player was given his own entourage.
Jose Canseco said he didn’t want to talk about steroids anymore.
Ozzie Guillen swore off swearing.
Barry Bonds said he would donate everything he had made since 1998 to disadvantaged youth.
“The Da Vinci Code” author Dan Brown became the top candidate to replace Pope Benedict XVI if, as Brown said, “something nefarious were to happen.”
The NFL looked to the Green Party for its next commissioner.
Bud Selig started his own hip-hop label, Gettin’ Siggy Wit’ It.
In a related development, the NBA announced it would hold an “Allen Iverson Sings Broadway Show Tunes Night.”
The Cubs lowered ticket prices.
The rest of baseball saluted them for it.
Patterned after cities’ gun-exchange programs, the NFL announced a program in which any players who had beaten up wives or girlfriends or both could exchange their hands for cash. Tackling is expected to be a big problem next season.
Billy Packer said he would root for “Perry Mason, James Mason, Anthony Mason, whatever. Give me a Mason, and I’ll root for it, OK?”
