Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Tom Keegan: Look for some changes now that Bill Self has been elected president

Kansas University basketball coach Bill Self watches his drive from the first hole during the Bill Self/LPRD Golf Classic, Friday, June 17, 2016, at Eagle Bend. Proceeds from the event will benefit the Wee Folk Scholarship fund.

Kansas University basketball coach Bill Self watches his drive from the first hole during the Bill Self/LPRD Golf Classic, Friday, June 17, 2016, at Eagle Bend. Proceeds from the event will benefit the Wee Folk Scholarship fund.


Now that Kansas basketball coach Bill Self has been elected president (of the National Association of College Basketball Coaches), what exactly does that mean to the state of college basketball?

Well, look for some changes.

For one thing, expect Self to turn into a tweeting fool at 3 a.m.

Also, his skin will turn as orange as the Syracuse mascot and he will become Self-obsessed.

President Self intends to build a wall around the KU campus so that when recruits visit, they won’t be able to leave. They’ll have no choice but to sign with the Jayhawks. And get this: He’s going to get Kentucky coach John Calipari to pay for it.

“Trust me,” he’ll tweet at 3 a.m., “Cal’s footing the bill.”

President Self will see to it that every recruit who signs with either Duke or Kentucky is deported immediately.

The fans have been known to raise the roof, figuratively, at Allen Fieldhouse. President Self will raise the roof literally because he is going to transform the field house into a massive tower: Self Tower.

Self will proclaim the media “the enemy of the American people” and will send Chris Theisen to handle press briefings, but still will make appearances on “the shows.”

On those shows, when asked how he’ll go about devising a strategy for winning a 14th consecutive Big 12 title, Self will answer, “From watching the General on the shows.”

Presumably, that will mean Bob Knight, who sadly no longer is on the shows much these days.

President Self will do much of his work on the golf course, where his big hands will come in handy driving the ball 280-yards-plus.

Self’s term as president of the NABC might seem like an eternity, but will last just two years.

President Self’s vice president’s first name is Mike and his last name is one syllable, Brey (Notre Dame).

He will develop derogatory pet nicknames for opponents and won’t even spare past NABC presidents.

He’ll refer to the Michigan State coach as “Little Izzo.”

Henceforth, Self will refer to referee Ted Valentine as “Lyin’ Ted.”

Self is the third Kansas basketball coach to become president of the NABC. Phog Allen (1927-29) was the first and Roy Williams (2001-02) also filled the office that commands respect.

Advisers will remind the president to conduct himself with the type of dignity associated with the lofty office. They'll do their best to keep him from tweeting at 3 a.m., but their best advice won't stand a chance against such a powerful urge. They'll lose that battle and he'll call them losers.


Chris Spangenburg 4 years, 8 months ago

What a pathetic attempt at humor. It became abundantly clear a few paragraphs in why I no longer even open Keegan articles ...

John Boyle 4 years, 8 months ago

Pathetic attempt at journalism but what would you expect from today's media.

Dennis Mahorney 4 years, 8 months ago

Was this written by a fifth grader? The garbage that passes for journalism these days.

Garry Wright 4 years, 8 months ago

I thought these boards were suppose to be politically free. What a slam at our U.S. President. Have some respect for our president even if you disagree with him.

Bill Kackley 4 years, 8 months ago

I thought it was very funny. If you can't laugh at the clown in the White House you have no sense of humor. All you uptight Trump voters that can't see he is screwing you over, if you are not a multi-millionaire, I feel sorry for you. Hope you wake up before it hits you in the ass.

Steve Johnson 4 years, 8 months ago

Get over it Bill, you lost! Clinton is gone and your handouts from your buddy Obama are gone.

Bryan Summers 4 years, 8 months ago

I was hoping for political commentary on a KU Sports article.

Joe Joseph 4 years, 8 months ago

And all this time I thought liberals were the "snowflakes."

Ralph Huge 4 years, 8 months ago

What a waste of time reading this garbage!

Robert Brock 4 years, 8 months ago

All this explains why Kansas is a failed state.

Jerry Walker 4 years, 8 months ago

Moronic...infantile...and typical of Keegan's buffoonery.

Buck Bukaty 4 years, 8 months ago

CNN is reporting Breaking News that Russians hacked Keegan's account to post the article to trivialize the presidency and divide the Jayhawk Nation. They're calling for an investigation led by BGL.

Phil Leister 4 years, 8 months ago

At first this was pretty funny. Then it became hilarious after reading the butt hurt comments.

Lighten up people.

Titus Canby 4 years, 8 months ago

I'm proud to live in a country where we are free to express our opinions, even though that freedom is obstructed on college campus "safe zones." Tom and those who have posted, thanks for expressing yours.

Writing something similar about Obama when he was president would elicit the same types of comments, and probably get the writer fired. Thank goodness that doesn't happen anymore. (Please insert sarcasm font.)

Bill Meyer 4 years, 8 months ago

I thought it was pretty damn hilarious!! All the people who don't like this article are butt hurt because they see their Frumpy in it!!

Danny Delgadillo 4 years, 8 months ago

I thought this was great. Funny, very funny. It was the funniest! Yet, I am not surprised there are people whining about it. Why? Why cry? Why be mad? Even if I wanted to be mad at Keegan for the article, I couldn't. These are not his words. He just copied them. I'm not a journalist, but had he used the correct names, he almost could have used direct quotations through the entire article. These statements were pulled straight from the horses mouth. Can't blame him. Yet they are mad. It seems, from this perspective, it was clearly much easier for them to see how dumb all that nonsense sounded. Nothing hurts worse than having your own words, (figuratively) turned against you. I am laughing, and recommending Charmin (extra soft) if your butt hurt from it.

Mike Greer 4 years, 8 months ago

Regardless of political orientation, this really wasn't funny past about the first line or two. I didn't make it to the end before I started looking at comments. If there were a "suggest removal" button for the article, I would have hit it, it's not what I come here for. Although only one candidate was actually labeled deplorable by the other, I thought our choice come November was deplorable. Obi-wan Kenobi was our only hope.

If you voted for or against him, he is who was elected, the same for Obama, and there needs to be some respect for the office of the president, although that door seems to only swing one way as of late.

Harlan Hobbs 4 years, 8 months ago

How hypocritical of liberals to say "lighten up." They have been foaming at the mouth since last November. They can just lead the way by practicing what they preach.

As for the article, no big whoop! It's obviously a slow news day.

Doug Roberts 4 years, 8 months ago

Where was this political wit the last 8 years?

Evan Taylor 4 years, 8 months ago

Wow, Keegan... I thought your columns were bad, but your satire is crap.

Marty Clark 4 years, 8 months ago

Pathetic story. Thought it might have some meaning when I read the headline...nope!

Creg Bohrer 4 years, 8 months ago

Way to fire everyone up Tom. I bet you got a good laugh or two reading the comments section. Lol!

Bill Kackley 4 years, 8 months ago

Mike Greer, how ca you say the door seems to only swing one way as of late. Were you on another planet the last 8 years. Or 16 years or 24 years?

Mike Greer 4 years, 8 months ago

No Bill I was right here and paying attention. And sure every president that I can recall has taken some flack from the opposition, but it's my personal opinion that the level of civility exhibited over the past 24 years has declined and it has done so at a greater rate when the opposition was the inclusive liberals. I guess Keegan opened up the line of political debate, so here you have my take on the past 24: Bill Clinton did something in the White House that would have gotten the president of any Fortune 500 company fired, yet that went more or less unpunished. And it's not like no one knew he was a womanizer before he was elected. George Bush was bashed by the liberal community on everything he did, culminated by the Dixie Chicks stating in a foreign country they were ashamed to be American because of him. Barack Obama was never ridiculed in public by students walking out on his speech or turning their backs on him when he was speaking, he was never bashed by the liberal TV comedians on a nightly basis. Trump may be a pompous a__ but he is the president of the country, and although many people don't agree with everything or anything he says or does, there is in my opinion a level of civility and decorum that should be shown to the office of the president of the United States. What has made the US great is the ability to have a peaceful transition of government over and over, and it's been rare for one party to be in power for more than an eight year stretch. Peaceful transitions don't include students rioting in the streets and destroying property. This should be a simple concept for a college graduate to comprehend.

Creg Bohrer 4 years, 8 months ago

The problem with that Mike is Trumps done some really questionable things not only in his lifetime but his entire presidency. He's said things that are very much against the very moral fiber of our country and constitution. Obama was ridiculed, conspiracy theories tossed at him from every angle, his family victim of racial slurs and as soon as he was elected had every republican gunning to make sure he was a one term president. So I think him and his supporters are going to have to get used to it, he's done what he's done and they elected him.Besides that you forgot to mention the Iran contra investigation, Watergate, weapons of mass destruction investigation the list can go on and on.

Mike Greer 4 years, 8 months ago

If we were to have the political party or Politian who is without sin throw the first stone, there wouldn't be much to write about.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending Donald Trump, I'm defending the Office of the President. Regardless of your political orientation, surely you don't want the level of disrespect for the office to continue to decline. Because the ABC, CBS, NBC news that I watch has me concerned about the continued success of "Peaceful Transition of Power".

Mike Hart 4 years, 8 months ago

Forget if you thought Keegan's article was funny or if you side Democrat or Republican. I come here to read SPORTS articles about my alma mater... to get away from the daily grind of political nonsense that already pervades our lives. I am extremely irritated that the sports articles are even touching on politics. ENough of that crap, Keegan. Stick to sports ... you're not a comic...

Pam Goad 4 years, 8 months ago

You are exactly right. If this site continues with this kind of nonsense, I will be looking for my Kansas sports news elsewhere.

John Pritchett 4 years, 8 months ago

Not to pile on, but I was actually very interested to hear what an insider like Keegan had to say about the implications of something as major as Coach Self taking over the NABC, but I couldn't read beyond the first paragraph. I guess like with ESPN, you have to be a liberal/progressive or at least a Trump hater to get your sports news from this site. What a shame.

Erich Hartmann 4 years, 7 months ago

A brilliant example, this satirical article is, at conveying the concept of "fake news". Keegan should be commended for showing any that needed to 'see' the concept, by his creation of this article. Predicated, of course, on an actual fact (Self elected to NABC), it then gloriously departs from there into the realm of high fiction quite admirably...

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