Now that Kansas basketball coach Bill Self has been elected president (of the National Association of College Basketball Coaches), what exactly does that mean to the state of college basketball?
Well, look for some changes.
For one thing, expect Self to turn into a tweeting fool at 3 a.m.
Also, his skin will turn as orange as the Syracuse mascot and he will become Self-obsessed.
President Self intends to build a wall around the KU campus so that when recruits visit, they won’t be able to leave. They’ll have no choice but to sign with the Jayhawks. And get this: He’s going to get Kentucky coach John Calipari to pay for it.
“Trust me,” he’ll tweet at 3 a.m., “Cal’s footing the bill.”
President Self will see to it that every recruit who signs with either Duke or Kentucky is deported immediately.
The fans have been known to raise the roof, figuratively, at Allen Fieldhouse. President Self will raise the roof literally because he is going to transform the field house into a massive tower: Self Tower.
Self will proclaim the media “the enemy of the American people” and will send Chris Theisen to handle press briefings, but still will make appearances on “the shows.”
On those shows, when asked how he’ll go about devising a strategy for winning a 14th consecutive Big 12 title, Self will answer, “From watching the General on the shows.”
Presumably, that will mean Bob Knight, who sadly no longer is on the shows much these days.
President Self will do much of his work on the golf course, where his big hands will come in handy driving the ball 280-yards-plus.
Self’s term as president of the NABC might seem like an eternity, but will last just two years.
President Self’s vice president’s first name is Mike and his last name is one syllable, Brey (Notre Dame).
He will develop derogatory pet nicknames for opponents and won’t even spare past NABC presidents.
He’ll refer to the Michigan State coach as “Little Izzo.”
Henceforth, Self will refer to referee Ted Valentine as “Lyin’ Ted.”
Self is the third Kansas basketball coach to become president of the NABC. Phog Allen (1927-29) was the first and Roy Williams (2001-02) also filled the office that commands respect.
Advisers will remind the president to conduct himself with the type of dignity associated with the lofty office. They'll do their best to keep him from tweeting at 3 a.m., but their best advice won't stand a chance against such a powerful urge. They'll lose that battle and he'll call them losers.