Saturday, December 20, 2008


Chief of Staff wanted


Chief of Staff. Where can I get one of those? I sure could use one.

Barack Obama has Rahm Emanuel. Lew Perkins has Nicole Corcoran. Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford had Alexander Haig.

What’s that you say, sports editors don’t get to have a Chief of Staff? The world is changing. If an athletic director can have one, so can I.

The first assignment for my not-yet-named Chief of Staff is to call back the helicopter mom who left a message on my phone, posing as someone else. She called twice, leaving four minutes worth of messages about a phenomenal junior high football player, detailing his breath-taking plays. She just happened to know the player’s mother, even had her phone number. She didn’t know we have caller ID. It was the same phone number from which she was calling.

Here’s the message my Chief of Staff could send that helicopter mom: Learning how to be a great teammate, a la Russell Robinson and Kerry Meier, not publicity, is what matters for junior high athletes.

The identity of the mom posing as the mom’s friend? Sorry, that’s going to my grave with me.

Next duties for my new Chief of Staff are to shovel my driveway so I don’t get a ticket, pay my parking tickets so I don’t get arrested and clean my desk so it doesn’t get condemned.

Then find my cell phone, retrieve the messages, call everyone back and explain the reason they weren’t called back sooner is because you just found the phone at the bottom of the pile of media guides while cleaning my desk and explain it won’t happen again because the Chief of Staff won’t let it happen again. Then see if you can figure out how to retrieve the messages remotely on this phone. Is this the one that requires entering the password and then hitting the asterisk or was that the last one? Maybe this one is password, then pound sign, or is it pound sign then password?

Next up: e-mail. If they’re selling, you’re not buying. If someone giving away millions is in search of a relative to claim it, don’t bite on that one. Been there, done that, waste of time.

After plowing through the e-mail — the great equalizer for those not blessed with enough personality to actually carry on a face-to-face conversation — fire off a memo to college basketball announcers. Beg them to stop analyzing for coaches and start doing it for viewers because most of us don’t know a stagger screen from a flare screen from a zipper screen from an up screen from a down screen. Talk to us, don’t try to impress us.

Include a P.S. Don’t ever say, “He can score the basketball.” What else is a basketball player supposed to score?

If only I had a Chief of Staff to book my flights in the winter and tee times in the summer, I could tell people to “have your people call my people and we’ll work something out.”

With a Chief of Staff taking care of all the busy work, I could concentrate on how to solve the Rubik’s Cube that is the Kansas basketball team’s front line. Who’s ready, willing and able to become Cole Aldrich’s sidekick? Given that, according to coach Bill Self, Markieff Morris has practiced better than Marcus Morris of late, don’t be surprised if Markieff gets a shot as a starter today.


yates33333 11 years, 6 months ago

Why do you write stuff like this? Do you want to rile up the troops? Your a gofer anyway so why do you need a chief of staff? Go fer yourself and lose some weight! (P.S. I only read a couple of lines so if this doesn't get to the point, the point is this doesn't get it, period.)

kusayzone 11 years, 6 months ago

I liked the article. If you can read past the first line, yates 33333, or should I say make intelligence of the written word, you will find a few choice morsels in the text regarding some insight into Kansas Basketball. Apparently some readers need to be spoon-fed until their bellies are full. And when that happens they graduate to arm chair quarterbacks and king-couch potatoes. ps In your own Missouri hillbilly slang, is the word you want to use go fer or gofer? Please don't confuse us who can read!

Alex Staley 11 years, 6 months ago

Why even take the time to write a comment about an article that you didn't like? Does it mean that much to you? If you dont want to read it, then dont. He is a journalist. He gets paid to write these stories and sometimes, I would bet, he gets told what stories he will write. I would also bet that many of you would not say the same thing in person that you say on here as you hide behind an anonymous screen name.

Nick Cole 11 years, 6 months ago

If it is $90K, you can count me in. I am available to start today if needed.

jaybate 11 years, 6 months ago

Is the title for the new position Chief of Gaff?

yates33333 11 years, 6 months ago

Kusayzone. The fact you can read confuses you. Realizing a five letter word might throw you, I broke it into two words, one three letters, one two letters. The article is meaningless. But one of you had a point beyond the top of his head. Why bother commenting. Yates is my name. I didn't put anonymous by it.

walkdog262 11 years, 6 months ago

I have been told the players are all drunks.

Commenting has been disabled for this item.